In this episode:

How to understand your situation when staring down the barrel of a penis. Why is that even a Thing? Is there a female equivalent? Tune-in for the most important contribution to sexual equality in the last thousand years.

Boob Guys vs. Ass Men. Are there stigmas within the male community? Josh and Aaron drop their switchblades and stop dance-fighting long enough to start a real, meaningful dialogue.

A new Guy-on-Guy interview. Aaron asks about Josh’s first experience with real breasts. How well did he handle it (them)?

  6:53 pm  |   May 29 2012  

In this episode: we discuss what you should know before giving your man a surprise delivery around back!

A listener asks us whether we’re as smooth with the ladies in real life as we seem on the podcast (mostly!).

And the first instance of a new Guy Friend-on-Guy Friend interview segment! Aaron talks about his first non-platonic interaction…

  6:47 pm  |   May 22 2012  

The Guy Friends tackle mom feedback, Aaron gets ribbed about condoms, and everyone takes a second to think and talk about pubic hair. For the children.

  12:14 pm  |   May 16 2012  

In this episode, we have three voicemails from our Moms!

Josh’s Mom asks how long before we have a bunch of little Guy Friends running around.  How long will she have to wait?  We calculate rough estimates by dividing Legos Played With by Dollars Spent.

Kate’s Mom blows our minds asking for advice about giving advice… to her daughters.  We don’t know how to answer that, but gosh golly did we try our darnedest.

Aaron’s Mom wonders why she has to wonder about his love life. For shame.

  6:14 pm  |   May 8 2012  

In this episode:

We address the feedback to our response to The Ministry for Boyfriend Review.

Is Gchat as important for men as it is for women? A better question: what kind of person doesn’t think it’s important?

And finally — strap-ons for dudes! UNH, double-up, UNH UNH.

  8:23 pm  |   May 1 2012  

HOWEVER, we also promised that we would publish our own rubric in response to The Hairpin’s, wherein we catalogue the criteria by which one’s girlfriend’s best friend is best judged.

Be warned: we make no apologies on behalf of Science.  If any BFs of GFs out there are worried about their low scores, trust us, it happens to everyone.  We present to you:

The Horton-Nalven Associative Companionship Metric

Tier I -5
- Helps herself to your classy beers without asking
- Refers to herself as her pet’s “Mommy”
- Internet Explorer
- Doesn’t “do” budget alcohol
- Prioritizes “going out” more than “hanging out”
- Has one of “those” laughs
- Too loud
- Comments to your GF about how “well trained” you are when you do something nice
- Acts uncomfortable when the two of you are alone because she doesn’t want anyone to “think anything weird”
- Touches your hair without asking
- Attack of the Quirk Monster
- @hotmail.com, @yahoo.com, @compuserve.com, or anything besides @gmail.com or @herownwebsite.com
- Comments on the temperature of every room
- “You can definitely tell boys live in this apartment.”
- Can’t make eye contact
- Offers non-constructive fashion criticism

Tier II -20
- Never asks you about yourself
- Has one of “those” voices
- Tips poorly
- Finds walking places unacceptable
- Interrupts you, constantly.
- After setting your friends up, refuses to go “hands-off” once initial connection is established
- Too quiet
- Unilaterally YouTube DJs your functions
- Frequently slows down and/or delays attempts at group mobilization
- Nickelback
- Only self-deprecates in reference to her weight/eating habits
- Continues phone conversations while in taxis

Tier III -40
- Makes a point to frequently mention how much better she knows your GF than you do
- Relies on GF for constant emotional reassurance.
- Manipulates GF; puts her in a position where she must “choose” between you
- Unreasonable paranoia that you don’t like her, resulting in self-fulfilling prophecy
- Defaults to worst possible conclusion at all times
- Social cryer
- Overly shy and uncomfortable around your friend group; must be constantly “babysat”
- Has no life of her own beyond your GF; relies on her for all human interaction
- Does not understand concept of quality BF/GF time, or other such boundaries

Mad Props +3
- Eager and generous potluck contributor
- Willing to collaborate on secret handshake, or some other performative greeting
- Bawdy
- Helps herself to your cheap beer without asking (exhibits man-to-man understanding)
- Quotes Heat
- Tells embarrassing anecdotes about your GF, despite her protestations (hilarious)
- Formidable video game competitor (Mario Party excluded)
- Exhibits skilled and creative use of profanity
- Owns a watch and wears it regularly
- Gives constructive fashion criticism

Please, God +50
- Has her own boyfriend

  7:09 pm  |   April 24 2012   |  2 notes  

We promised that we’d give you our own theoretical scores based on The Hairpin’s Ministry of Boyfriend Review post, and well… the results are predictably abysmal.

(NOTE: Aaron’s score originally read “-150.” Turns out, he forgot to give himself the initial 100 points. The score below has been updated.)

Aaron: -50

Level I Offenses -5
- Licks his fingers.
- Talks just a little bit too loudly.
- Has an unsatisfying text message response rate.
- Chews loudly.
- Chews ice cream.
- Has not enough product in his hair.
- Gives you unsolicited relationship/love advice.
- Uses swear words as though fulfilling a rigid daily quota.
- Overzealous use of obnoxious slang. (“Word,” “tight,” “rad,” “dope,”and any other slang that happens to bother you, The Best Friend.)

Level II Offenses -20
- Admits to her, when pressed, which of her friends he would sleep with. (You and I know she shouldn’t be asking those questions, but HE SHOULDN’T BE ANSWERING.)
- Doesn’t respect the number 1 priority of her best-friendship with you.
- Doesn’t understand that the BEST part of dating HER is that HE gets to now hang out with YOU.
- Makes references to other girls/”babes” in front of you and her.

Level III Offenses -40
- Doesn’t introduce her to his parents.

Extra Credit +3
- Is interested in making friends with YOU, not just perfunctorily acknowledging your presence when necessary.
- Owns more than two pairs of shoes (tennis shoes and those loafers).
- Has cute guy friends and wants to introduce you to them.
- Consults you for gift ideas and scheduling surprises for her — even if it’s just to make you feel included.
- Has a nice apartment where you are frequently welcome to hang out and watch Mad Men on his huge plasma TV.

Josh: -230

Level I Offenses -5
- Gets inappropriately drunk once.
- Licks his fingers.
- Doesn’t hold the door open for your friend, or anyone else.
- Talks just a little bit too loudly.
- Refers to semen as “splooge.” (ONLY SOMETIMES)
- Stresses her out by constantly being late.
- Has an unsatisfying text message response rate.
- Chews loudly.
- Chews ice cream.
- Has not enough product in his hair.
- Never washes his hair.
- Gives you unsolicited relationship/love advice.
- Uses swear words as though fulfilling a rigid daily quota.
- Overzealous use of obnoxious slang. (“Word,” “tight,” “rad,” “dope,”and any other slang that happens to bother you, The Best Friend.)
- Doesn’t own a suit.

Level II Offenses -20
- Gets inappropriately drunk every time you hang out.
- Doesn’t watch TV or movies, or read novels. Ever.
- Admits to her, when pressed, which of her friends he would sleep with. (You and I know she shouldn’t be asking those questions, but HE SHOULDN’T BE ANSWERING.)
- Has ever stood before her, while she was lying on the bed before/after sex, and made her admire his penis.
- Doesn’t understand that the BEST part of dating HER is that HE gets to now hang out with YOU.
- Never wants to do what she wants to do.
- Refuses to “put labels on” the relationship.
- Encourages her bad or self-destructive behavior.
- Interrupts her, constantly.

Level III Offenses -40
- Gets inappropriately drunk every time you hang out with him and your friend, and tells you the same story about this OTHER time he got inappropriately drunk. Every. Time.
- Is a former/present internet sex addict.
- Doesn’t say “I love you” to her (your friend, not his secret first girlfriend).

Extra Credit +3
- Is interested in making friends with YOU, not just perfunctorily acknowledging your presence when necessary.
- Has picked up your tab, because impressing you is important to him.
- Is an incredible cook and/or baker.
- Is willing to hold her purse in public when she needs to use the bathroom.
- Celebrates her birthday AND yours.
- Has cute guy friends and wants to introduce you to them.
- Consults you for gift ideas and scheduling surprises for her — even if it’s just to make you feel included.
- Self-identifies as a feminist, and behaves accordingly. (Does the raunchy Third Wave kind count?)
- Is willing to help you move.
- Great to have around at a party.
- Happily weighs in with “guy POV” advice, but only when you request it.
- Gets his girlfriend a refill when her glass is empty, and then asks if you need a refill as well.
- Sits in front next to the driver when the taxi has four people in it.
- Shows affection to his girlfriend without engaging in PDA.
- Has a nice apartment where you are frequently welcome to hang out and watch Mad Men on his huge plasma TV.

  6:58 pm  |   April 24 2012  

In this episode:

Focusing on what counts in a dating profile.  Are the interests and hobbies that we list on sites like OkCupid just throw-away filler?  Or tiny, beautiful windows into the soul?

Our readers ask us for the female equivalent of “tunnel buddies,” “Eskimo brothers,” and/or “wiener cousins.”  Do we deliver? (Yes).

And finally we discuss this Hairpin article. Not only are we going to rate ourselves, but we’re working on our very own rubric for a girlfriend’s besties.

STAY TUNED.

  6:32 pm  |   April 24 2012  

In this episode:

A great question about whether it’s weird for a woman to have her own supply of condoms.  Freaky, or forward-thinking?

The age-old debate about sleeping naked, with and without our snugglebuddies.

A voicemail about multiple instances of unwanted choking.  Whats the deal?

  5:55 pm  |   April 17 2012   |  1 note  

The BBC article we mentioned this week claiming that women have a 30% higher incidence of orgasm with warmer feet.  Thoughts?

  6:03 pm  |   April 10 2012   |  2 notes  

The Valentine’s This American Life that our Boss Kate was talking about in this week’s “It’s Never Too Kate.”  Send us your thoughts!

  5:54 pm  |   April 10 2012  

In this episode: finding someone just as “special” as you, what to do when absence makes the heart grow horny, and some very interesting feedback…

  5:46 pm  |   April 10 2012   |  1 note  

In this episode: a Public Service Announcement on the art of the reveal, things to know when taking it slow, and perspectives on springtime landscaping.

  4:20 pm  |   April 3 2012  

In this episode: turning your man from repressive to aggressive, how to travel without any baggage, and some thoughts on getting to the next level while your partner’s playing video games…

  3:11 pm  |   March 28 2012   |  1 note  

In this episode: the curious paradox of schlubby sleepwear, getting into your partner’s genes, and shedding Fleshlight on friendship boundaries.

  11:40 pm  |   March 20 2012