In this episode:
Urinal etiquette. An inquiring listener is dying to know the ancient and sacrosanct codes of conduct that each man must obey when the wieners come out. The Guy Friends throw their oaths of secrecy to the wind!
And a listener asks the Guy Friends for advice when it comes to getting stalked by an ex’s ex! Despite being the better human and backing away slowly, she’s found herself the target of not-so-subtle warnings. Twitter following and unfollowing, Facebook stalking, late-night Snapchats from stolen phones — it’s an edge-of-your-seat thriller! Can the Guy Friends help this listener out, and convince the police commissioner to clear her name before the real killer assassinates the Mayor during his re-election speech? Stay tuned!
Kimbra - Settle Down (DISCOFORGIA Remix) (DISCOFORGIA) / CC BY 3.0
In this episode:
A very bright and well-meaning listener wants to know how to use her vibrator on her boyfriend. The Guy Friends celebrate her gumption… and offer their words of caution. Aside from vibrators made for the job this may be the sort of thing that stays on the drawing board. Are you or your partner a male-bodied human who likes a little machine-assisted flutter in the Nutter Butters? Did you think that sentence was gross? Listen in — we do much worse!
A dear listener has turned 21 years old. TODAY. February 26th, The Year of Our Lord Thirteen and Twain Thousand! She asks the Guy Friends for advice in her future exploits, dating and otherwise. Though they’re basically taxpaying toddlers themselves, the Guy Friends do what they can to share their paltry wisdoms.
Have a Happy Birthday, but don’t drink too much!
Dislexia - Lady (Your Making Me High) (dislexiadotca) / CC BY 3.0
Massive @TheGuyFriends shout-out to @soundcloud and their customer support. If you guys ever need relationship advice, you let us know!
In this episode:
When is it a good time to reveal a “non-life threatening, non-STD and non-forever health issue” while dating? Is complete, up-front transparency mandatory in mate selection, or is it none of anyone’s beeswax? More improtantly: is there any set rubric for medical seriousness, or is it all a matter of perspective? Feel better!
A listener’s boyfriend has laid out his Zero Tolerance Threesome Policy. For all kinds! Naturally, she runs into the arms of the two hunkiest Guy Friends she has. Sensing her vulnerability, they respond to her question instead. So close!
Need a Dollar - Aloe Blacc (Azzamon Remix) (AjM (aka Azzamon)) / CC BY 3.0
Check out our Valentine’s Day appearance this morning on Vocalo.org’s The Morning AMp!
WE MADE IT TO THE BIG TIME. Special thanks to Brian, Molly, and Maggie for having us!
In this very special episode:
It’s here. It’s now. It’s VALENTINE’S DAY. Or better yet, it’s THE GUY FRIENDS PODCAST ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY. You better believe it.
In this, the special V-Day/B-Day episode, Josh and Aaron reflect on a holiday celebrating human Eros — Josh tries to convince Aaron it’s really a day for everyone. Tune in and find out if he succeeds. Meanwhile, Aaron creates a new abbreviation for “significant other”, which actually could catch on…
Just be the reed that blows in the wind, okay?
Then the guys break it down: Year One. How did they do? Where are we going? What were the best questions? It’s getting real up in here.
Miguel - Adorn (Blend God Old School Remix) 2013 / CC BY 3.0
I interviewed syndicated sex columnist Dan Savage for a series I’m working on called Year 25. He sent us this picture of himself in Berlin when he was 25 - click on it to hear the interview.
Our own co-producer Lauren interviewed DAN SAVAGE for her Year 25 project! How crazy is that?! Please tune in immediately.
In this episode:
First up, Kate and Lauren educate the Guy Friends on who Kate Upton is, and they are not impressed. What is it about celebrities? Why do people think they’re so sexy if they’re always so squeamish about their sex tapes?
A listener has been hanging out with a dude that she once made-out with for months… without any further make-outs! MONTHS. OF DRINKING IN BARS AT NIGHT. THEN GOING THEIR SEPARATE WAYS. What is this dudes deal? What’s her deal? The Guy Friends’ suggestion? Crack open your old college notebooks.
And we have two follow-ups!
A listener from last week lets us know that the dude who would never take the initiative in making plans with her has disappeared :’(
And the big ole’ weenie from two weeks ago texts his date to bring his awkwardness game to a whole new level. Dramatic readings ensue.
Say My Name - x - One Wish (Goonwood Mix) (Repeated Measures) / CC BY 3.0
In this episode:
A listener always has to go out of her way to set up the hangouts with a new guys she’s been seeing. And he always says Yes! Does he like her? Should the one-sideness of planning give her any reasons to question his motives? What does a birthday appearance really mean in this day and age? Are there any female urologists out there?
A woman in a straight long-distance relationship is tempted to makeout with a lady. It truly pains the Guy Friends to lead her towards the Moral and the Good. Because we’re Nice Guys. Real nice guys. Not the lame kind like on Jezebel.
Ridgewood Social Club - “Overnight Fiction (Twista x Lupe Fiasco x FIXYN)” (Ridgewood Social ClubSolo) / CC BY 3.0
We continue our buddy’s education in using OkCupid for the first time with our third installment!
Josh wrote:
Messaging 102
Aaron is a genius, and I second his thoughts completely. I would like to expand on messaging, as it is the single most important thing a dude on OkC will do, and the easiest to fuck up. We might even return to messaging later, if we think of more to talk about.
The point about conciseness is crucial, and not just in terms of the information that you provide — be concise with your words. This is more a note about Writing in General than OkC, but it is no less important. Avoid any and all throat-clearing, caveats, and/or fence-sitting language:
“So, uh, hey, like, this is super-random, and, like, not to be whatever, but like, I guess I sorta feel like maybe… I’m a person who can’t write a declarative statement without apologizing for it.”
Forget “I guess” and the rest. You do not “guess” anything. If you’re guessing about something, do not include it in your message to a stranger. Write what you know and end it with a period. Ask what you want to know, and end that with a questions mark. While it may read weird to you at first, it is possible to come off as cordial while using direct statements and interrogatives. Gimmicky/jokey messages won’t suffer at all from directness, either (Gimmicks and jokes are effective as hell, and will be discussed later).
The second point about actual conversation is the single easiest thing to fuck up. Most dudes — very kind, interesting, and charismatic dudes! — fuck it up all the time and have no idea why. Aaron spoke about what you should strive for, but dudes seems to have such a hard time with this concept that I think it is worth dissecting the anatomy of failure. This is how you will fuck up: her profile says that she likes ceramics. You say to yourself: “Oh, cool, she likes ceramics. I also like ceramics. I will say that I also like ceramics.”
This makes so much sense! Someone says that they like a thing, you state that you also like that thing. It’s a total slam-dunk, right? It’s not even the part that you’re worrying about. You’re worrying about your pictures, completely oblivious to the fact that you’re writing The Lamest Message on Earth. Maybe you’re commenting on your match percentage, or that she got one of those little awards from her friends, or that the animal in her photo is cute. This is all unforgivably lame, and here is why:
Imagine that OkC is a bar. You are in this bar, and you see a woman in it as well. You see that she is enjoying a slice of pizza. After deciding that she is attractive and worth speaking to, you approach her, and — the silver-tongued Adonis that you are — deliver your opening line: “Hey. I like pizza, too.”
Doesn’t that sound silly? You would never do this as a real human being of flesh and bone. Or at least I hope you wouldn’t.
Now imagine that instead of pizza, you start talking about the bar itself. “Oh boy, these stools sure are tall.” That example is terrible. It is terrible because I don’t even want to think of a good equivalent — the point is that you shouldn’t talk about where you are. Don’t talk about the site itself. You didn’t join the site to discuss it, you joined it to connect with other humans.
Aaron is right about obvious statements — it’s what everyone else is doing. When you send That Message, one that is kind and genuine and boring, you leave your success up to your profile, your pictures, and luck. In other words, you’ve succeeded in breaking the ice (which is something!), but you’ve done nothing else. Maybe your pictures are amazing, or the recipient is an easy sell, and you get lucky. But there’s already so much luck involved when you do OkC correctly that leaving it up to even more luck is just sloppy.
Nothing is for certain on OkC — you will only ever have a shot at something. Don’t blow your chances completely by messaging without a certain degree of intentionality.
Stay tuned for more — we might actually move on from messaging next time!
In this episode:
A massively over-hyped first date disappoints… one of them. What should our listener do with a guy whose “Meh” Meter is poorly calibrated? Is a second date necessary to break-up with someone you aren’t even dating? Does anyone remember how to use an actual phone?
Cunnilingus. Since the dawn of Man, it has raised the mighty to ascendancy, and destroyed whole empires. To wield it is an office as ancient and hallowed as the Great World Sea that bears the very Earth Tortoise herself. And yet, somewhere there is a lad who, ‘midst his own childlike innocence, shirks his duties as a boyfriend… O! All-Father Zeus!
Craig David - “Fill Me In” (markEP ‘Take Care’ Bootleg) (markEP) / CC BY 3.0
In this episode:
How long is too long to wait to introduce both sets of parents to each other? When they live in the same metropolitan area? The Guy Friends questions whether not wanting to is weird, or if it even matters.
A gay friend from New Hampshire writes us about good dumping etiquette, and gets a lesson on how to continue his hunt through the snowy wilds while dealing with clingers.
We also discuss our on-going OkCupid advice series, and make fun of both Lena Dunham and the New York Times in one swoop, because we’re better than everyone.
“Maroon 5 - One More Night (silent murda reggae remix)” (Silent Murda) / CC BY 3.0
We continue from our earlier installment with more advice from Aaron.
Aaron replied:
i co-sign all of this.
In this episode:
The Guy Friends give advice on giving advice. How do you tell your sister that her BF is an Obvious Dick? With tact!
And a conversation about age differences turns into a conversation about Windows 95. Naturally.
Music: “Jai Paul - Jasmine (Cabo Blanco Dub Mix)” (Phi Unit) / CC BY 3.0
Guys,
I’m (finally) taking the plunge. OKCupid, here comes Andy ——. As the two most eligible singles [Neither of the Guy Friends are single as of this posting — Ed.] I know, as well as the two guys who — in the most complementary ways possible — I feel like understand Andy —— as a dating entity, please tell me what I need to know.
Your guy,
Andy
P.S. I was just about to cc Kate, then thought to myself: wait, do I really want to be snarkily ridiculed for (among other unforeseeable things) referring to myself in the third person?
P.P.S. Yes.
Josh replied:
Andy! We miss you.
I’ll give you my thoughts on the website-oriented parts — I’m not gonna tell you how to sit across from a human in a coffeeshop.
Step 1: Answer 150-200% of the Questions Required of You
Do not answer the bare minimum. Do not be one of those freaks who answered 900 questions. If you feel like your answer to a question will look bad, then skip it. If you feel that the question itself is dumb, then skip it. The algorithm is (yes, really) a very intelligent and well-built machete — it really will exclude the people that you want excluded in broad strokes, but only if you answer the questions. If you see a question that you like (as in, you like the idea of that question) on someone else’s profile, you can also answer it.
Just don’t answer so many that you look pathetic — OkC is a supplement to your real life. If you really want to lose your soul to an internet culture of horny 20 year olds, get a Tumblr. [No offense, Tumblr - Ed.]
Step 2: The Lay of the Land
You answered a decent amount of questions and have a certain match percentage assigned to everyone. Nice. Time to explore the site and see what the fuck this is all about. Turn off the Visitors thing in your settings so that people can’t see that you visited them, and visa versa.
Now, click on everything. Look at suggested profiles. Look at their pictures. Look at the questions that they answered. Go to the custom search (which you will be using primarily) and fuck around. Adjust these settings to see the women that you think you wanna date. And tweak these settings. The idea is to see how people use the site. This is helpful to you because you have never used this site. See women with the highest match percentage. Search for keywords. Search for people with the highest “Friend” and “Enemy” percentages, too (it’s hilarious). Look at 37 year old women. And 62 year old women. And 18 year old women. See how everyone uses the site.
Now, to blow your mind: since your Visitors thing is off, and you are lurking around judgement-free — set the search settings to search for yourself. Look at the profiles of dudes that you are competing with when a lady looks for certain criteria. Hetero dudes on OkC need to set themselves apart from other men. It’s gross, but you really do have to do the whole plumage-and-birdsong thing. There are a million horny, lame dudes vying for any given woman’s attention — to be that one-in-a-million person, you need at least a general sense of everyone else’s schtick. To put it another way — OkC is a market, so you should at least have a sense of what your competitors are selling.
As you’re looking at people’s shit (male or female), listen to your gut. If you feel yourself getting turned off or just simply judging someone’s profile, ask yourself why. As an English student, you have an advantage — it is obvious when people are overcompensating or suppressing their own hangups/shortcomings/weirdness. If someone is spending many valuable keystrokes talking about how they are/are not X, Y, or Z, then you can bet that the opposite is true. Your own profile should be concise, creative, and truthful — see how others fuck that up.
Step 3: Yes, but How Should I Search?
“Last online” set to within the last week (last month at most) is mandatory — OkC is old enough that there are a ton of “active” accounts that people haven’t checked since 2011. Some of them might be married already.
70% to 95% is the sweet spot. 70 percenters are still worth looking at, for sure. It may be just my experience, but people above 95% creep me out.
Ordering by “Match % and distance” is pretty good, but do be wary — the “distance” calculations are WAY off. Almost everyone is stated as “3 miles” from you. Use it as a way of figuring out whether someone is on the border of the ‘burbs, not which neighborhood they’re in. People who are “7 miles” from you are legitimately far away. [This advice is for city-dwellers — Ed.]
“Joined within” or whatever it is called is incredibly important. It is not creepy to have this set to “Within the last month” — it’s critical. By nature of the algorithm and also humans, OkC does have weird pockets/bubbles/cliques/subcultures/tribes/clachans of people. After enough looking around at people with a certain percentage, you will have seen everyone, and will have already made your decision on all of them. At a certain point, you use of the site will depend on seeing people you have never seen before — this will require you to explicitly search for new people.
But more importantly, you are new, so why not begin on people who are also new?
Protip!: Whenever you look at a profile in earnest and decide that you definitely and without a shadow of a doubt do NOT want to ask them out, hit the Hide button. Make this a habit. It will hide them forever, and will save you a bunch of time when you forget that you’ve already seen them and have to click on them to remember. Also, when you turn Visitors back on (and you will), you don’t want to be visiting someone once a week due to bad memory.
Aaron walked into the kitchen just now, so I suddenly became embarrassed and remorseful looking back on how much I just wrote. I’m going to go to bed with at least a shred of my dignity. I would be happy to give you more concise advice in the future, my friend. Please let me know if any of that made sense.
— jn
Stay tuned for Our Bro’s First OkCupid Profile: Vol. 2, coming soon!
