HOWEVER, we also promised that we would publish our own rubric in response to The Hairpin’s, wherein we catalogue the criteria by which one’s girlfriend’s best friend is best judged.
Be warned: we make no apologies on behalf of Science. If any BFs of GFs out there are worried about their low scores, trust us, it happens to everyone. We present to you:
The Horton-Nalven Associative Companionship Metric
Tier I -5
- Helps herself to your classy beers without asking
- Refers to herself as her pet’s “Mommy”
- Internet Explorer
- Doesn’t “do” budget alcohol
- Prioritizes “going out” more than “hanging out”
- Has one of “those” laughs
- Too loud
- Comments to your GF about how “well trained” you are when you do something nice
- Acts uncomfortable when the two of you are alone because she doesn’t want anyone to “think anything weird”
- Touches your hair without asking
- Attack of the Quirk Monster
- @hotmail.com, @yahoo.com, @compuserve.com, or anything besides @gmail.com or @herownwebsite.com
- Comments on the temperature of every room
- “You can definitely tell boys live in this apartment.”
- Can’t make eye contact
- Offers non-constructive fashion criticism
Tier II -20
- Never asks you about yourself
- Has one of “those” voices
- Tips poorly
- Finds walking places unacceptable
- Interrupts you, constantly.
- After setting your friends up, refuses to go “hands-off” once initial connection is established
- Too quiet
- Unilaterally YouTube DJs your functions
- Frequently slows down and/or delays attempts at group mobilization
- Nickelback
- Only self-deprecates in reference to her weight/eating habits
- Continues phone conversations while in taxis
Tier III -40
- Makes a point to frequently mention how much better she knows your GF than you do
- Relies on GF for constant emotional reassurance.
- Manipulates GF; puts her in a position where she must “choose” between you
- Unreasonable paranoia that you don’t like her, resulting in self-fulfilling prophecy
- Defaults to worst possible conclusion at all times
- Social cryer
- Overly shy and uncomfortable around your friend group; must be constantly “babysat”
- Has no life of her own beyond your GF; relies on her for all human interaction
- Does not understand concept of quality BF/GF time, or other such boundaries
Mad Props +3
- Eager and generous potluck contributor
- Willing to collaborate on secret handshake, or some other performative greeting
- Bawdy
- Helps herself to your cheap beer without asking (exhibits man-to-man understanding)
- Quotes Heat
- Tells embarrassing anecdotes about your GF, despite her protestations (hilarious)
- Formidable video game competitor (Mario Party excluded)
- Exhibits skilled and creative use of profanity
- Owns a watch and wears it regularly
- Gives constructive fashion criticism
Please, God +50
- Has her own boyfriend
